


Twelve Inch Wonder

by DownInTheGutter



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Crack, Domestic victuuri, Humor, Hung Otabek, It's not a tag yet how is it not a tag, Let's get this tag more popular people, M/M, Possessive Yuri, and, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-01 22:25:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10202102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownInTheGutter/pseuds/DownInTheGutter
Summary: Otabek becomes the center of attention for a very particular reason. Yuri is less than pleased.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first addition to the Yuri on Ice!!! fandom and I'm super excited about it.  
> I sincerely apologise for the title.  
> Also, as usual, drunk written and drunk posted, so further apologies for any and all possible mistakes.

“Beka, how about we get back to our room?” Yuri asked, moving to step out of the onsen just as Otabek did the same.

The sound of glass breaking made them turn towards the entrance.

“Oh my God.” Christophe Giacometti was standing there, staring wide-eyed at Otabek, a broken champagne bottle at his feet.

“Christophe? Are you alright?” Otabek asked, concerned.

“I think I’ve died and gone to heaven.” Chris said, still staring at him.

“What?”

“I can’t believe what I’m seeing.”

“Is this the first stage of dementia?” Yuri elbowed Otabek hopefully.

Chris didn’t even react to the jibe. “I mean, I knew they’re calling him ‘The Dark Horse of Kazakhstan’, but I didn’t think they meant it like that. It makes so much sense now.”

“Christophe, are you feeling okay?” Otabek asked, composed as always.

“Maybe he’s having a stroke.” Yuri said, crossing his fingers.

Chris shook his head slowly, still staring, before shouting “Victor, come here! You’re not gonna believe this.” He managed a glance at Yuri before focusing on Otabek again. “Yuri, how could you keep this to yourself?”

Before they could ask what he meant Victor practically pranced outside.

“What’s so important? My beautiful fiancé and I were in the middle of something.” Victor said with a wink.

“Gross.” Yuri muttered.

Chris gestured towards Otabek. Victor’s mouth fell open. “Oh… Wow. Just. Wow.”

“Are you both going senile?” Yuri asked, moving closer to Otabek.

“Maybe, because what I’m seeing is not humanly possible.” Victor said slowly. “Otabek. How did you manage to hide… _that_?”

“Hide what?” Otabek asked, forehead scrunched up in confusion.

“The fact that you have the biggest dick I’ve ever seen in my life.” Chris said, finally looking Otabek in the face. “And trust me, I’ve seen a lot.”

Otabek tried to cover himself up with his hands.

“You can’t even hide it with _both hands_ , how is that possible.”

“You old perverts better stop drooling over my boyfriend’s dick _right now_.”

Before he could continue Yuuri came in through the doorway “Victor, what was so important that you just ran off?”

Victor gestured towards Otabek. Yuuri stood there for a moment, looking from Otabek to Yuri.

“I have to say, I’m impressed.” Yuuri said in the same tone, one bordering between disbelief and awe.

“Not you too, Katsudon.” Yuri whirled around to point a finger at him.

“No, I’m actually impressed by you, Yuri, since you manage to…” Yuuri blushed a deep red and clamped a hand over his mouth. “I’m sorry” he mumbled.

“Yeah, how does it fit?” Victor said, contemplative. “I mean, considering human anatomy…”

“I’d like to find out.” Chris said dreamily.

“I will murder you and feed your body to wild animals, Giacometti.”

“Yuri would.” Otabek commented helpfully.

“All of you better get away right now, or I will murder you, _slowly_ and _painfully_.” Yuri said while advancing on them.

Chris and Victor ran back inside. Yuuri hang back a second. “Uh, congratulations, Yuri”, he said, before ducking through the doorway quickly, in case Yuri wanted to throw something.

***

“How could we not know? If my boyfriend had a dick like that, I’d never talk about anything else.”

“We know, Chris.”

“But guys, it’s not just **gigantic** , it’s so pretty, too. Oh my God, I think I’m in love.” Chris had a far-away look in his eyes.

“With Altin’s dick?” Victor asked while putting his arm around Yuuri’s waist.

“Yes. I mean, come on, guys, it’s a work of art. A gigantic work of art.”

Yuuri cleared his throat before looking from Victor to Chris. “What would your boyfriend say if he heard you?”

“He’d agree. He’d probably help me build a shrine dedicated to that dick.” Chris said dreamily. “I can’t imagine wanting for anything if you have **that dick** in your life.”

“I don’t know. If that was Victor, I’d run away screaming as soon as I saw him naked. But fortunately, he’s the perfect size for me.”

“Thanks, babe. Even if you did just tell Chris I have a smaller dick than Otabek.”

“As if he’s never seen you naked.”

“You hurt me, Yuuri.” Victor pouted theatrically. “But, also, true.”

Yuri stormed through the door, frantically tying a robe around himself.

“You.” He said, pointing at Yuuri and Victor. “We need to talk later because what the fuck was that.”

Yuuri and Victor nodded somberly.

“And _you_.” He swirled around, zoning in on Chris. “You ever so much as look in Otabek’s direction again, I will claw your eyes out.”

“Yuri would.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't planning on it, but I'm adding a wee chapter cause guys, I can't stop thinking about it  
> I'm sorry I haven't replied to all the comments yet, but I read all of them for the 10th time just now and I'm just so happy <3  
> Wow, this fandom is amazing. If you guys want to, hit me up on [my tumblr](http://beerdrinkerhellraiser.tumblr.com/) to talk about Otabek's gigantic dick and other important matters.

“Katsudon, we’re friends, right?”

“I’m pretty sure you hate me half the time, but yes, we’re friends.”

“Well, I just want you to know that if a friend needed my help hiding a body, I would totally help them.”

“You can’t kill Chris, Yuri.”

“Why not?” Yuri kicked at the sand angrily. Yuuri dragged him to the beach earlier to prevent him from fulfilling his threats.

“Because he’s a friend, too. And Victor’s best man to be.”

“And about to _die_.”

Yuuri ignored the comment. “He’s sweet, really, in his own way. And if he tries inviting himself to your bedroom, just say no.”

“Wait, he does that to you?”

Yuuri was thinking for a moment. “Just about every time we see each other.”

“I don’t get why Victor doesn’t mind. Wait, do you mind? Because I could totally kill him for you.” He said, lightening up.

“That’s… sweet of you, Yuri, but I don’t mind Chris either. He means well, he’s just a bit forward.”

“Not for long.”

Yuuri turned to him and put his hands on his shoulders. “The most important thing is that you feel secure in your relationship with Otabek. When Victor and I first started…”

“Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there.”

***

 “The ‘Dark Horse’, huh.”

“Not you too, Phichit.” Yuuri sighed and dropped his phone on the desk.

“I couldn’t help it.”

“Don’t let Yuri hear you say anything like that. I need your help in mediating between them. It’s an actual crisis. ”

“Yuuri, you know I love you, but I think you may be a bit overdramatic when you say that he’s planning to murder Chris.”

“I tried to talk him out of it, but it didn’t work. We had to hide all sharp objects, because Yuri keeps launching surprise attacks. I just saw him walk past with a box and rope, I think he’s setting up a trap.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Sure, I’ll help you, just call me when you need to.” Phichit said, smiling. He looked around before dropping into a conspiratorial tone. “But, like, how big is it, exactly?”

***

“I don’t understand what the big deal is.” Otabek said, expressionless.

“Ha, he said ‘big’.” Could be heard from the phone on the table.

“Shut it, Thailand.” Yuri kicked the table half-heartedly.

“I mean, in most of the porn videos I’ve seen” Otabek said, glancing at Yuri almost nervously “the guys are not that much smaller than me.”

There was a choking noise from Phichit. “You do know guys in porn are way bigger than average… Oh my God.”

“Thailand.”

“Yeah, shutting it.”

Chris spoke up. “Guys, I’m not gonna make moves on you if you feel uncomfortable with it. But if you were to invite me…”

“We’re not inviting you anywhere except your untimely funeral.” Yuri moved in front of Otabek, trying to block him from view.

“Please stop trying to kill me, Yuri.”

“I’ll stop when you stop staring at my boyfriend’s dick.”

“I can’t help it, it’s just there all the time, and now that I’m looking, I can see it’s on the right side of his pants, and, uh, could you put the vase down, Yuri, I’ll shut up now.”

“Guys, guys.” Phichit’s voice came through the speaker. “I’ve got an idea.”

“You better be quick, because I’m about to murder someone.”

“Otabek, would you and your enormous penis be interested in Chris or anyone else?”

“No.” Otabek answered simply. “I love Yuri. He’s the one for me.”

“Awww, that’s so sweet. Wait, what’s that weird sound?”

“Victor and Katsudon started crying.”

“Not true.” Victor managed to utter through gross sobs. “Something just got into our eyes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'Thailand' nickname comes from a tumblr post that I can't find a link to right now, but I loved it so I used it here. Just so you know I didn't come up with it.
> 
> Hope you guys liked the additional chapter! Not sure if I'll ever continue it, but seeing as it's stuck in my head now I just might

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are awesome, but don't feel pressured to comment, like, I rarely do, even if I truly love a fic. If you do comment though I'll probs reread it every other day


End file.
